What I think that really ends up meaning is that those who follow the path to do good despite knowing this are a special kind of bad-ass – one who is sufficiently cocky to thumb the nose to the universe, unafraid of the inevitable entropic backlash, the hidden blood debt. It’s like “good guys finish last” – except it’s more like epic slow-motion finale, giant explosion on the horizon, “nobody could have survived that blast”, finishing with a camera zoom to a faint shadow on the horizon resolving into a resolute, hard-as nails character doing the slow motion walk to the epic soundtrack.
UBC needs to seriously work on its alumni call-back system. I’ve been getting calls to donate to various funds at the university for basically my last two grad degrees – which might initially make sense except when I suddenly realise that I’m basically living off funds from the university. No real point in giving money to the university if I’m basically writing all the scholarship applications asking for money from them. I could understand if I ended up a student at another university, but I’m in the UBC system – they obviously have enough information to know that I donated once to the grad gift when I was graduating, and that I did an undergrad at UBC – they should really filter for all students that are still students at UBC. There’s probably some method to the madness – likely, my case is a bit unusual so maybe it’s not worth the effort – but whenever you run into a situation like this it feels like someone was sloppy somewhere.
Also. Must make a point of going to sleep earlier. This is getting a tad ridiculous…
Just realised what is so hard about answering personality tests “honestly” – when they ask you a question like “would you rather go out with friends or stay home alone” are you supposed to go with your first gut instinct – for me, staying at home plonking at the computer sounds like an easy, relaxing time. Going out with friends sounds like stressful times. The problem is this is juxtaposed by the amount of enjoyment I get dancing – it would also be false to say that I don’t look forward to going out. It’s like there are different layers to the thought process, and depending on the situation, different aspects are in charge.
Or maybe it means I want the ease of just lounging around at home, combined with the fun of interacting with all my friends. Sounds like I need to figure out how to have house parties…
As is the usual pattern, one ear of my current set of (admittedly ultra-cheap) headphones have started to go, so I went hunting for another set to replace them. These are a set of Maxell Clip-on EC-150 earphones, usually going for about $10 at London drugs, or $5 whenever there’s a sale. These ones seem to usually 3-6 months, so they’ve been costing me a bit. The clips were a bit uncomfortable, but otherwise they worked okay. I also tried the the Rocketfish RF-EHP10 – these went a bit into the ear, not really a plus for me, and the clips were never very secure. They were alright, but got left behind at Guilt and Co one night. Anyways, decided to go a little more upscale since the Maxell’s weren’t on sale yesterday at London so splurged for a pair of $25 Koss KSC75. It hasn’t been 24 hours, but so far enjoying them plenty – the sound is distinctly clearer and actually makes me want to listen to find excuses to put them on to listen to! This might mean I’ll have to actually get decent speakers…
The world really is complicated. How can the unselfish thing be so wrong? How can self-sacrifice lead to so much pain – I know that it can be a tough road sometimes, but to find out that it can the wrong road – that is a very bitter pill. You want to protect the weak, but what if it results in pain for your friend – do I have the right to fail those close to me in defense of some ephemeral nobility? Where is the justice in punishing those who are strong by having them sacrifice?
Sometimes, I feel old and wise. Or old and foolish. Mostly old, it seems.
Still in the same game. Last week’s jolt (was it only a week ago? It seems like another lifetime…), when deconstructed , really just means she is now, more than ever, still a lynchpin in my life. Why is it that it took my conscious, reasoning mind hours and days to figure out what struck me light a bolt of lightning in my reflexive heart? How in the world does the heart know so quickly what my mind struggles so hard to understand? Or is it just that my reasoning mind doesn’t want to understand it, and the fighting is to cut past the mental constructs to see the truth?
What a very, very different life I might be in now, if my orbit hadn’t been pulled into her path. Or maybe it would have been nearly the same. I far from regret it so far.
Sleep. Time. Friends. Wonderful cure-alls.
In the end, everything works out. Or something like that.
The other one I like to use is:
What could possibly go wrong…
Don’t mind the melodramatic big baby…I’m undoubtedly just revving up for an ubercrazy weekend – it should be a bit of a crazy ride…
I spend a lot of time being happy. Some of it I’m a little worried, stressed, but often these are motivators.
I had some rather odd dreams lately. I dreamed of being with my dear old grandmother – nothing special, but now impossible. And then there was the usual dream where everything I tried failed…and this one ended with my crying over my broken violin lamenting the loss so keenly that I woke myself.
I figured it was a straightforward dream reminding me not to take music so lightly, lest it end in irreparable disaster. But just yesterday events ended such that I’m resonating with loss, failure, an ominous cloud of regret. I replay the events and wonder if I had the power to change the outcome, to get what I wanted…and it reminds me of exactly what I want. Why exactly I want.
Sometimes I forget, I mistake the driving motivation. After all, I have so creatively harnessed the energy, my emotion, my will, to serve my purposes that sometimes I take it for granted that the emotional force will always be there. And so once that foundational resolve wavers, there’s a long way to fall. I guess it’s been a while since I’ve had to grapple with straight-up sadness.
I’m left feeling that I’ve irreparably broken something. I desperately hope that my instincts are wrong but really, is it up to me when the person who was actually hurt was not even me? But inaction brought me here. Inaction, fuelling “the right thing to do” – after all, I selfishly want something, but sacrificing it for “the greater good”…or maybe just someone else. But when this decision results in pain for those you hold most dear, to yourself…sometimes, I question whether I am going about this the right way. Fear and paralysis, going with the flow…sometimes I just want the strength to just say no. And, of course, regret works in the way that I want to go back into the past and change things.
May this give me strength to do right in the future – and hoping that I enter a brighter future…
Or maybe this is just in my head. Maybe it’s not a big deal. Maybe, it’s just high drama in my head, amplifying emotions that really only apply to me and would really just be awkward for everyone else.
Or maybe there will be no way to put that violin back together again.
Sometimes the world can change so completely – from a leisurely, half asleep day where I’m thinking about thinking about work work work – and then a single line of text, opening up an abandoned line of opportunity, and suddenly you’re in adrenal overdrive – suddenly every second is precious, the mind whirling to find a new path to completion.
It’s like the whole world comes back into focus.
I’m probably a bit of an adrenaline junkie, I have to admit.